Wednesday, February 19, 2003

just how fuckin offensive do I have to get before I get ridiculous hate filled comments and/or e-mail like orby? Damn I’m jealous. Maybe I should start writing all my evil and controversial feelings about ghetto dwarves.

I wanna drink so much Dr. Pepper that my esophagus comes out of my belly button and declares an armistice breakdown. Then I want to put it in a triple suplex and body slam its ass down the stairs of Haas Pavilion while Joe Shipp goes in for the jam.

The only thing more fuckin stupid then that deodorant commercial with Method Man and Redman with the tour de france bicycle riding dudes is the viagra commercial with the black dude walking around his office with this stupid fukn look on his face and everybody’s like “hey tom, um, so did you change your hair” or “hey tom, shave that mustache?” and he’s like “no” and he’s all smiling just cuz his old craggly dick works again. I mean, ok, I’m still fairly young and maybe innocent but is it that fukn rare for a penis to operate that the whole office is abuzz? I’d like to find a fukn nuclear bomb from Saddam’s backyard and drop it on that smug bastard.

OK, we get the point. Michael Jordan is 40 years old, yeah he’s an inspiration, yeah great, yeah he plays basketball against his younger self in that Gatorade commercial, ok, fuck sports illustrated can’t you think of something more interesting to put on your cover then the latest MJ slurp fest? Yes, he’s the best player of all time (although the way kobe’s been playing…) and he deserves all the accolades, etcetera, but enough is enough, jesus h. Christ, ok, it’s getting uncomfortable, already. Give him a fukn trophy and shut the fuck up.

Michael Jackson is just SO misunderstood. I mean, fuck, get one fukn little nose-job, and people are talking like you’re the fukn elephant man.

I really really hope that Gary Coleman gets laid someday, but I’m not holding my breath. Especially after seeing what a little whiner he is on that celebrity blind date show. No game whatsoever. C’mon Gary, watch Swingers a couple times and listen to some Leykis and recalibrate that mentality. Unless your gay, (and in which case I say jump into that if you are, fuck, life’s short) it’s time to get you some, and trust me, there’s gotta be ways to milk that fame shit even if you were the whutchyoutalkin about kid.

Attention: In ‘n out burger. What the fuck do I have to do for you to open up a fukn hamburger joint out here? Fuck throw a dog a bone already, you guys would RAKE in the cash, trust me.

And finally, about the chances of Joe Millionaire actually staying with Zora? Um, yeah. Can I get a “yeah right?” no fukn chance in HELL. Fukn E-Channel news and Entertainment tonite are like “well, here’s a romance” or whatever. Gimme a fukn break. He went for the lesser of two evils, shaking off the golddigging hobag and at the same time looking like the guy who “cares” to all the airheads of America who will be stalking the streets of suburbia looking for his ass in their Honda civics. This guy is going to hunt down and conquer all the high profile trim available in the seven continents during his 15 minutes plus 7 for ratings hijinx, and then go hit up the Arctic for some of that Icelandic shit. If you don’t believe me then check the files, beyatch!

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